Archive for ‘May, 2011’

Progress

Bob decided he needed to supervise this afternoon…

Not really necessary as this week, this is where I’ve been.

It has been a better week for both Bob and I. I am not sure we really have a routine for 2 yet, but as I’ve been able to concentrate, to work, to cook, to walk and do the things I both need to do and enjoy, Bob has seemed more himself as well.

And then there were some other extraneous errands and chores that needed attending to. And I delegated one particularly yucky one of those to a professional, took a morning to take care of the others and then got back to living.

Progress.

Valley View

Shortly after 8:00 p.m. last evening, I wandered out to the edge of the woods to look at the mountains. I took a few photos but didn’t look at the photos until this morning. This one caught my eye – there is such a sense of peace and serenity…perfect for a Monday morning.

Valley View.

May Day

May 1.

This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.

Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!

Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.

I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.

So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.

Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.

Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.

I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.

Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!

So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.

I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.

The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!

The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.

Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.

I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.

It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.

I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:

of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!

I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.


May Day.