Posts from the ‘Karl’ category

Beardog sweet spot

There are times when Bear does things that are so like Karl that I just stop breathing, literally losing my breath.

It is an odd reaction so sudden and overpowering.

It has just been in the last two weeks that Bear has taken to lying down in the yard after we’ve walked or played.

Just relaxing, watching, sniffing without needing to be always on the move in the woods.

And today, he found Karl’s favorite overlook: the spot behind and to the south of the house – the spot that looks over the game trail and to the road. My chair is not far away. In the house, from the sunroom where my office is, or the kitchen, I could see Karl and now Bear.

Beardog sweet spot.

End of the day

This photo is the same evening as the Harvest Moon sunset…two nights ago.

It was a magical evening with soft layers of color in the fading day and a sharing of a new experience with Bear.

This night, I sit in the dark after a good work day, a day with time outside with Bear and with Bob, a day that had constant reminders of Karl…a day of mixed emotion.

I don’t know why some days have the difficult and sad come forth, while some have only the easy and happy and some, like today have a plethora of both.

Driving home this afternoon, from taking Bear to Wayfarer’s where we scoped out the camping situation (thinking of maybe an overnight or 2…) and had a wonderful walk, looked at the lake…I thought: I feel both the happiest and the saddest that I’ve felt in over a year. It is not a bad sad, it is a “missing Karl” sad, a “why did that dear dog have such a tough end?” sad…a sad with no answers in this earthly life, sad. And all the while I was also so happy with where Bear and I are and where Bob and Bear are and where we are as a family. Odd.

Then I looked at this photo…at the layers of color, the layers of mountains…and remembered taking Bear while remembering Karl. Mixed emotions at the end of the day.

Before bed

Zack
Gus
Bob
Karl
Bear

My boys…all on my mind and in my heart this evening before bed.

Bob is in the bedroom, on the bed waiting for me.

Bear is at my feet, out last walk taken as the sun was low. He is doing so well on the short long line unleashed. He is with me all day and sleeps in the living room, but I can hear him as we are separated by only a gate.

All of them, the boys, they and I lived/live in a rhythm of our own.

This day: we narrowed the “plumbing” problem to the cold water feed to the washer. Hopefully only a plugged filter – I’ll pull all apart on the weekend.

Walks with Bear.

Time with Bob.

Work.

A dinner of chicken with a rub of almonds, 5 spice powder and garlic…and a cherry sauce.

More cherries pitted, sugared and mixed with basil for cherry basil soda syrup.

Broa dough mixed for morning “English” muffins.

Dishes done.

Night falls as I write this post that only I will see for some time. I am happy to be writing for myself for this time.

I miss Zack, Gus and Karl.

I read for a bit before mixing the dough…of Julia Child.

Peace. It is nearly dark.

I am comforted by Bob and Bear…this evening, before bed.

Birthday Eve

Birthday Eve and Bear and I walked the loop with Bear on the long line only!

A beautiful walk, a remembrance of Karl in a first free walk with Bear on my Birthday Eve!

***AND I put the A/C away!!!

May Day

May 1.

This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.

Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!

Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.

I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.

So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.

Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.

Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.

I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.

Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!

So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.

I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.

The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!

The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.

Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.

I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.

It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.

I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:

of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!

I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.


May Day.

Walking the loop

I would not change a thing about how I lived life with Karl. We were nearly constant companions. The only time we were separate was when it was unsafe for him to be with me…too hot to be in the car, the occasional need to pick up or take some large item in the Jeep. The consequence of our closeness, is with his loss, there is not a place nor a moment that he is not missing from. I knew this would be.

The intense missing, the mental rewinding of time and wishing desperately that things had gone differently, the shock of finality – it feels like the earth has shifted off its axis and everything is upside down and sideways. It is sometimes hard to think what to do and I find myself walking around, sitting, moving to a different place – trying to find a spot where I’m comfortable.

My current mantra has been “just keep putting one foot in front of the other”. The place I want to be is that place where all memory of Karl is joy – that’s the direction I’m moving, but the grief must be walked through. There are no shortcuts.

Karl’s and my favorite thing was to walk – in the woods, by the lake and our loop walk. I gradually walked around the woods – my property – last week…a little at a time. I walked to the edge of the woods in the evening to look at the mountains.

Although I do not for a second believe that Karl’s spirit is in his earthly remains, I waited to walk the loop until I had his ashes to take with me. I picked them up on Friday and was so glad to have them. My friend Sara was to walk with me on Saturday.

Saturday was beautiful and sunny – the first real springlike day we’ve had. Sara and I walked the loop. I had Karl’s ashes in my camera sling pack.

It was at times difficult, but more often it was comforting. The more I walk through the things that Karl was part of, the more I feel him with me and joyful memory begins to replace grief.

One foot in front of the other…walking the loop.

***Last photo by Sara Palifka, previous photos I took on a second walk by myself on Saturday.