We had a cold front whoosh through yesterday bringing the snow level down to about 4500 feet. Although flurries were predicted to the valley floor, it remained rain, even at my house 100 feet above the valley floor.
But, today, as Bear and I ventured out and back, mid-afternoon, the snow was low on the mountains.
And from my usual vantage point, turning 180 degrees: big sky, green grass and pasture…
And Bear was there…on the Road Home.
Still hazy today (Sunday) with the clouds bringing the humidity up to a whopping 47%…
But this scene – the fresh field, the barn, the snow covered mountains: this is Montana.
It rained most of Saturday, but the sun came out late afternoon and suddenly everything seemed much greener than just the day before.
The larch pine were sprouting their new needles…
And I saw my first lupin – 3 tiny ones…the largest only slightly larger than my thumb nail. And each holding a drop of rainwater.
It’s greening up.
First…Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers, but an extra special one to my own Mama who has been doing “yeoman duty” these past weeks…especially considering I am 55…racing toward 56 so in theory have been a grown up for awhile…
Oh, and Happy Birthday to my “little” brother who is 54!!! today :)!
I made a special breakfast today, even though my Mama is not at my house to share it…but just in honor of the day. And I ate it on the china from my grandmother Ruthie, my Mama’s mama. And lifted a coffee cup to my grandmother HaHa (Helen), my Papa’s mama.
Today’s fun actually started last weekend with the making of citrus cranberry marmalade.
This is only my second marmalade experience, but having discovered how easy, how much fun and how nice to make it myself, it is not going to be my last. This round, I had proper tools so even easier than my test run several months ago. And such satisfaction in seeing all of those pretty little jars of marmalade.
Although, the primary intended use is for english muffins and toast, I also like to heat a bit of marmalade with a bit of maple syrup to make a fruit syrup for pancakes or waffles…
Then…
I saw a recipe this week for Lemon Ricotta Souffle Pancake – perfect! The blog post that the link takes you to shows both a berry and a walnut variation. I thought WALNUT!!! – with citrus marmalade syrup and that’s what I did.
And yesterday, I made ricotta…yes MADE it. Another of those things that is so easy and fun.
The recipe link: Homemade Ricotta Cheese , but … it is 1 part buttermilk to 4 parts whole milk. Heat the combo over med-high heat until curds form. Remove from heat and scoop the curds into cheese cloth. Wrap the cheese cloth and let it drain for 15 minutes…drain less for creamier ricotta, more for drier ricotta.
Ricotta cheese! I used 1 cup buttermilk, 4 cups whole milk to yield 1 cup of Ricotta and about 4 cups of whey. I saved the whey and am using it in the protein smoothies I make. This whole thing took me maybe 30 minutes start to finish.
So…this morning…the souffle pancake…
Yum! A fluffy, pan cake – lightly lemon with walnuts and turbinado sugar making a slightly crunchy top and the citrus marmalade syrup providing just enough fruity sweetness.
I made bacon and it made me cry…because there was bacon left and Karl not there to share it. As reader Lou said in a comment… “the little things” – when you least expect them. But, the tears can be good and they are of short duration and replaced quickly by a joyful memory and a laugh…
…and a walk in the woods at sunrise, the snow topped mountains through the trees and dew on the greening woods grasses.
For Mother’s Day.
***the next day…the leftover “pancake” is good cold or warmed up. I ate it like coffee cake :)!
Shortly after 8:00 p.m. last evening, I wandered out to the edge of the woods to look at the mountains. I took a few photos but didn’t look at the photos until this morning. This one caught my eye – there is such a sense of peace and serenity…perfect for a Monday morning.
Valley View.
May 1.
This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.
Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!
Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.
I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.
So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.
Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.
Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.
I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.
Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!
So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.
I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.
The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!
The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.
Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.
I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.
It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.
I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:
of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!
I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.
May Day.