Posts from the ‘Spirituality’ category

May Day

May 1.

This past week was as varied in my heart and soul as was the weather in the week’s photos.

Monday and Tuesday…after walking the loop…”crossing the Rubicon”… – Monday and Tuesday were good work days and a bit of normalcy returned to Bob’s and my life. And then, taking the motorhome for service, running out through the woods to catch the light – WHAM!

Loss and grief are experienced by each one of us in ways unique not only to our own experience but for me, every loss I have ever experienced is different. I spent the last 8 1/2 months with Karl focused on enjoying and staying hopeful and positive – for both him and for me. I did not want to waste a moment of whatever time we had together in anything other than joy.

I wish I could say that I accomplished that, but I can only say that most of the time I did and I’m grateful that there were only a few moments lost.

So…now, I don’t feel like I need to NOT grieve. I cry when I feel like it. I let the bits of panic and anxiety come and go. I sit still and let memories come and bring me back to a point of Joy. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.

Everything changes – always. The Road Home…it is always changing. It is greening up at the moment – this May Day.

Bob and I. We’ve changed. Our routine has changed and is changing.

I miss Karl with a fierceness that makes my chest ache. And I am glad for that. I am glad that I am capable of loving so deeply that I can ache. And that gladness turns the ache to joy.

Karl and I started our lives together on May 18, 2001. The photo above was about 9 weeks after. He looks so serious … I have no idea why my one leg is extended except that the camera…my first digital camera…was on a tripod with a timer and I had a 16 week old puppy in a down stay while I set up the camera and hurried back to be in the shot :)!

So this week as my emotional state slid from ok to not so much… I started thinking about another dog. …after all, I found Karl, just a week after losing Zack and Karl brought Joy back into my life then, even while I still grieved for Zack. I believe my life will always include a dog. It is part of who I am.

I found a Karelian breeder in WA that thought she might have puppies in mid-June, which would mean they would be ready for homes in mid-August. That seemed like good timing…far enough “out there” that I might be ready. I sent an application, even though I was unsure whether I could really have another Karelian… Karl.

The week progressed. Work did not go well. I spent a lot of time on the front porch. Bob started looking at me somewhat aghast as I was picking him up every time we passed. If you’ve ever had a cat, you are well aware that when they want lovin’ they want it now, but otherwise, not!

The details of Friday I’ll write about at a later time but the bottom line is that via an accidental google and click a website was found. A day was spent in research and soul searching. A phone conversation followed. A deposit has been sent. And not a Karelian Bear Dog, but rather an English Shepherd puppy may become part of the fambly Summers sometime in early June.

Some of the time I am “over the moon” about this. Some of the time I am scared and feel like it is too soon because I just want Karl. Just like the moments of grief, I let all of it just happen and trust that all will unfold as it should.

I got out all of my puppy training books. And I found the puppy leads and collars from Karl’s puppy hood.

It was not sad. It was fun. I feel like I’m taking Karl..and even Zack and Gus…along with Bob and I on this next part of the journey.

I said that to my friend Judy, in an email, and she responded:

of course they are with you on this next journey – they always have been and will continue to be! In my mind’s eye, you may have one dog on the leash, but the rest are romping along with you, too!

I am so grateful for that picture… for her mind’s eye view – it suddenly brought the JOY I’d been struggling to find – back to me. All of my dear ones, always with me.


May Day.

In His Hands: Karl

A lump removed from Karl’s groin about 6 weeks ago was definitive for adenocarcinoma. Having been up and down with diagnoses since last August 1, I chose to continue postive, hopeful and enjoying each moment with Karl.

Over the last two weeks, Karl has been up and down and last week, a steady decline. Sunday, I took Karl to the ER vet intending to let him go. Dr. Scott Smiley, who took care of us in August, was on duty. Dr. Smiley has a mobile operation for home and ranch veterinary service. We spoke. I made the decision to take Karl home and have Dr. Smiley come to the house this (Monday) morning.

It was a long night but this morning, there was a dusting of snow and it was snowing lightly when we went outside. I sat with Karl in the woods, with the snow softly falling. I thought of all of the wonderful walks we had. I concentrated on enjoying our last hours together by remembering our wonderful 10 years together.

About 30 minutes before Dr. Smiley was due, Karl woke. His eyes were clear. His personality shone through them. He kissed me. I smiled into his eyes and told him I loved him. He lay his head down.

Dr. Smiley arrived and administered a sedative first. When Karl was sedated, the final shot was given with me holding Karl. Karl’s passing was quiet and peaceful.

It is a heartbreaking loss. I’ve loved Karl with all my heart for 10 years and will love and miss him for all of my days. I have no regrets over the decision to let him go this morning and know that he is out of pain. I am grateful beyond words for how peaceful it was and what a beautiful morning we had as well as the joy of the last 10 years.

I learned a lot over the last months and hope I can share that over time.

For today, I celebrate Karl’s life and the great privilege I had of sharing his life and of knowing his great and loving spirit.

In His Hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.
Job 12: 7-10

Spring meltdown

Yes, the snow is melting and the ground is thawing – the spring meltdown.

But, I had a personal meltdown as well. A perfect storm of concerns, a few nights of little sleep, withdrawing instead of reaching out – meltdown.

I saw a bumper sticker not too long ago that said: “Don’t believe everything you think”. It was eye-opening to me. It put a name on something that happened when a person near to me allowed past issues unrelated to me to color perception of me and my actions in a complete misjudgment. To be untrusted and unbelieved was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever encountered in any personal relationship. And it all stemmed from the other person believing internal thoughts fed by internal insecurities versus the reality of me. The additional personal fallout for me was that I started questioning my actions – had I behaved in a way that fed this… Seeing the bumper sticker was immediately freeing for me in one of those a-ha moments.

Fast forward to this week and my little storm of worries. I not only believed what I thought, I projected and spun and lept into a fictional future of hurt and grief. And all the while I sort of understood what I was doing and repeatedly tried to talk myself out of the downward spiral: reciting scripture, praying, telling myself to “get a grip” and “walk the walk that I talked”: living in the moment, trusting God and his ultimate Love and care.

And still the storm of worry swirled around me. So first I posted Spring Break as the thought of posting anything at all seemed beyond me and I just wanted the blog to go away for awhile.

And then I spoke to a friend. And then to a professional advisor. And then to two more friends. And to my mother. And the storm passed, the sun came out, the air cleared. The unwritten future horrors in my head disappeared and I regained my peace and equanimity, my faith and my gratitude for the goodness of each real moment – the reality in front of me.

And I gave myself a break. It was literally a beautiful, sunny day when my personal storm cleared. I took some time off from working and sat outside with Karl and Bob and just let the early Spring day wash over me. I slept that night and things cleared even more with a good night’s rest.

As the week progressed, I marveled at the complete turnaround, back to my normal optomistic, serene self – enjoying the many simple and good things that are part of my life. And I thought about what had happened and what had I learned from the experience as I’d dearly love to not repeat it :)!

I know that I typically draw energy from solitude. I also know that it is that trait that gets me in trouble when I don’t recognize that I need to reach out and ask for help from those that I love and who love me. I don’t withdraw or try to solve things on my own in some misguided sense of independence or strength, but rather because most often, quiet time on my own is what recharges me. The trick for me, is to realize when the need is not to recharge but to have another person to share the burden.

I saved the following quote from an episode of J.A.G. some years ago:

We are each angels with only one wing and we can only fly by embracing each other.

For me, this week, my own personal Spring meltdown was halted by embracing the warmth and love of friends and family and allowing them to take care of me.

There is still a lot on my plate, but sharing some of my life on this blog is a joy and pleasure. So… I’m back from Spring Break and will continue as in the past – sharing some of Karl’s, Bob’s and my life, in Montana, from the front porch.

***All photos taken on 3/23/2011 with my phone

Think on these things

The sorrows of our earthly world have been receiving an enormous amount of “press”. I, and I imagine every one of you reading this post also have some private sorrow, hurt or worry that feels overwhelming.

And, not that there is not a time for sadness or grief, but I believe that we are also called, by our Creator, to live with Joy and thankfulness, even in the midst of difficult circumstances.

Father Tim, a character in Jan Karon’s Mitford series, often said to himself or to one of his parishioners: “Phillipians 4:13 for pete’s sake!”

“I can do everything through Him who gives me strength”

And earlier in Chapter 4:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” Verses 5-7

Powerful stuff. When I feel like it is impossible to not be anxious, I hear Father Tim’s voice in my head: “Phillipians 4:13 for pete’s sake!”

And then a verse right smack dab in the middle of those above…

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. […] And the God of peace will be with you.“ Verse 9

I don’t need to look very far to find things that meet those conditions:

Sunshine through the trees. A driveway that might reappear soon. The promise of Spring evident in the light, the melting snow and the hint of new things coming to life.

My boys.

My choice on what to think on is these things: these simple, lovely, pure, excellent and praiseworthy things.

Let not your heart be troubled

“Let not your hearts be troubled” Jesus Christ (John 14 several verses)

I sat in the morning quiet to read, pray and just be…with Karl and Bob and those words: “Let not your heart be troubled” came to mind as clear as if they were spoken. And the next words: “Abide in me”.

Karl, Bob, those words…that’s all I need for this Friday.